7 Stages of Abuse
Unless you’ve been in an abusive marriage, you might think they are rare. But they are not—even in the Christian community. A misconception is that abuse means physical pushing, hitting, or violence of some kind. This is a false understanding. Abuse includes painful and destructive verbal attacks resulting in emotional and mental anguish. It’s also seen in a spouse's (or boyfriend's) suspicion, dominance and control that impacts where you go, who your friends are, your finances and sexuality.I realize this isn’t the kind of topic you might want to read about but I feel God has put it on my heart to share.
Perhaps one of you needs to hear this?
This year I have been part of a Christian abuse recovery ministry. I go every Monday night and join a group educating women who have been, or are currently are, in abusive relationships. Some Mondays I come home shaken. It’s not always easy to forget what I’ve heard—but I know this is a ministry God has drawn me to. Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you” and His love compels me to care.I posted this article five years ago—but I feel it is time to repeat it.
When Dan slapped Wendy for the first time, both of them were shocked. But after it happened repeatedly, Wendy saw that there is a typical pattern that leads to acts of violence.
Because women are usually the victims, I’ll refer to the abuser as male.Here’s a brief description of what is known as the “Abuse Cycle”:
Rising tension, irritability, fault-finding, and anger often precedes verbal, physical, and other forms of abuse. This attack is intended to assert power and control.
Guilt often follows, particularly at first. There are apologies, promises never to do it again often followed by gift giving. Later this typically diminishes when the perpetrator sees that his partner is willing to stay. Because he fears others might discover his behavior, he threatens his wife if she tells “their” secret.
He rationalizes and justifies his behavior by saying it was her fault. Often she believes this and makes excuses for him: he was tired, dinner wasn’t ready, she isn’t meeting his needs. She rationalizes that he’s really nice except for those occasions when he’s out of control.
Between abusive episodes, both partners, because of shame, fear, or love, will often attempt to act as if everything is normal between them.
When the tension mounts again, the abuser starts to build a case by focusing on what he doesn’t like and how he’s justified in asserting his power again.
At this point he starts planning when and where to show who is in control. He considers what situation would create the desired effect.
He sets up the situation to attack, often escalating from verbal and emotional destructive behaviors to physical and sexual.
A question Christians have to ask is: Does a man have a Scriptural right to attack and harm his Wife?
I’ll answer this question in this blog. Praying for women to know they are valued and precious to their Father who designed them to be loved.
Poppy
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