4 Helps to Handling Conflict

“Make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” Romans 14:10

Conflict seems everywhere! Whether married or single, from time to time we all face tough stuff in relationships—with a parent, a child, a neighbor, someone we’re dating, working with, or a fellow Christian.

People are different; we are not clones of one another, so it is understandable that we see things differently—but quite honestly, I am weary of conflict! I wish everyone could get along with each other, accept that we have different preferences, and just care about each other regardless of our views on so many divisive issues.
 
How we were raised, the influences on our lives, our personalities, preferences, beliefs and priorities, all contribute to the views we hold. Because of these factors, there’s no way we can all see things the same way!

In my book, Why Can’t He be More Like Me? I share about all the differences between my husband and myself that I discovered once I got married! How about you? Was that a big shocker for you, too? I assumed, without even thinking about it, that I married my clone! What I didn’t realize was that our differences in background, age, and personality would inevitably lead to conflict—how could they not? But in His wisdom, God used these issues as time went by to produce spiritual growth and maturity in both of us.

Whether the person you are in conflict with is a spouse, family member or anyone else, look at the disagreement between you as a way YOU can grow more like Christ. 

Scripture gives us many ways to grow through conflict. Here are 4:

But let me encourage you to first ask God for three things: 

• The ears to hear what He is saying to you,
• The inner honesty to accept it, and
• The wisdom to do what is best.       

1. Acknowledge Reality. Psalm 51:6 - You desire honesty from the heart…. (TLB)

If things are bothering you, be willing to acknowledge it to yourself. David (who wrote Psalm 51) kept pushing down his guilt. He tried to live in denial, refusing to acknowledge he had a problem, and the result was inner misery. Are you in a situation that is producing similar struggles? Are you feeling like a victim? As if you are being taken advantage of by a family member or someone else? Whatever your current situation, be willing to be honest with yourself and with God about your feelings because denial will never bring resolution. 

2. Analyze Issues. Proverbs 14:1 - The wise woman BUILDS, but the foolish woman destroys. (Often through our mind and what we tell ourselves, our mood that can become depressed, negative, and even nasty because of our self-talk, and our mouths that spout things that hurt and make things worse!).

Once you’ve acknowledged the reality of your feelings, ask yourself: 

• What is the problem? Try and define it in a few sentences.
• Why is it happening? What is contributing to the problem? 
• How do I feel about it? Again, be very truthful. 
• What expectations do I have that aren’t being met?
• How is that affecting me?
• What do I really want? (A healthy relationship with someone who is different from me, or my own way?)      

3. Accept what cannot be changed and change what can. Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and power (TLB)

One of missionary Amy Carmichael’s poems is called, “In Acceptance Lies Peace.” This is often a hard truth to receive but sometimes that is all we can do in difficult situations.  Are you struggling, determined that someone else change? Is it creating tension, conflict, anger in you? Could God want you to step back and give up being the rescuer or the one to control and change someone who is different from you? On the other hand, is there something you can change—in yourself? Your responses?  Your expectations? Your circumstances? How would this bring about the longing of your heart? 

4. Aim for Growth. Hebrews 12:1-2 - Let us strip off what trips us up…run with patience… keeping our eyes on Jesus, our leader and instructor (TLB)

God’s great desire is for us to throw off what trips us up and to keep growing into the likeness of Christ. When life is smooth and easy we can float along, but when it is tough, we are more aware than ever of our need of Jesus. Whatever difficult relationship you find yourself in, remind yourself that it contains the seeds of spiritual growth for you. It can drive you to the Lord for patience, self-control, a love for the unlovable, a servant heart, or the courage to step out of a situation that is not what God desires for you. 
 

Think about this foundational truth:

“In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

How does God want you to apply it to your present circumstances?

Be sure and get in touch if you’d like further help in working through a heart-breaking conflict.  Having spiritual counseling and coaching can help you find peace and freedom from inner pain. https://www.poppysmith.com/contact  

Poppy